Day 11 – St Ives

Today was going to be different, it was going to be a classic affirmation of everything right and true about the Cornish lifestyle, it was to be a gross attempt to live the Cornish dream, and salute the fantastic possibilities of living in this county – It was going to require determination and we had plenty of that. Then Jacob came into the room and woke us up at 8 a.m., the dream was over and we were back in reality with a bump.

Despite the initial setback of having to wake up we decided that we would make the best of the day and promptly sat down to breakfast, the others had cereal; I had marmite on toast which has a similar effect to caustic soda for morning mouth. We moved on, the Cornish dream unfortunately requires fitness levels that escape us during a lucid reality and there was no time for sleeping as the caffeine had taken effect.

Today’s weather forecast was collated from several different sources which proved only one thing, and that one thing was that as a collective they know nothing.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation is supposedly an affective way to reach euphoria, I had no cord and plastic bag, and it was only 9 a.m. I had heard or perhaps dreamt that running may produce similar same effects, and it is well known that it can be addictive to people that are that way inclined because of the endorphins produced. Needless to say the only effects it produced for me were profuse sweating, staggering and almost puking – more like the morning after than the night before.

Sam and I grabbed the malibu surfboard and took to the sea whilst Jacob was a given a free pass to tour St Ives with Adam, Bethan and Maya, an hour or so of peace and quiet gratefully received. We were struggling which I can only put down to the fact that the waves were of the wrong kind for this board, there was only thing for it and it didn’t involve lubrication or alcohol, but something a quick visit to Hayle would probably remedy.

One hour and one Love Machine later Sam and I pulled on our rubber costumes and looking forward to the ride we squeezed out onto the beach, Bethan and Jacob had manufactured a dolphin from sand, I have requested the reverse for tomorrow.

After an hour or so of getting close to attaining a standing position on the old and sticks my arms felt rubbery. I gripped the board and flopped toward the beach, the tide was getting high and my eyes were so full of water and salt that everyone’s faces looked like they were melting and dripping like a Dali.

We took the usual stroll around the town to check that nothing had changed, my prediction was correct as it always is when I keep it to myself. Jacob had a look around a Fire Engine before we shot at the skanky tramps again. No fat sows to soak tonight, only a ginger street urchin, he spoke toff’s english and made my skin crawl. Before returning we had Ice creams.

My final thoughts:

Whilst Maple and Walnut is good, it can’t hold a torch to Cookie Dough and Clotted Cream.

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